Seriously, I can so see myself as the bride in this wedding.  The dress, the hair, the makeup.  Heck, standing in a field of lavendar like some fairy princess in a flowing garment of whispy fabric!  It's still traditional, it's still incredibly elegant, and it's so me.  Modern and ethereal at the same time.  I'd say I covet this wedding except that, you know, I much prefer my groom.  And I like the fact that I'm going to be in a church that I actually spent most of my childhood Sundays attending.  And I like the fact that--although Alissa and Ryan's wedding is respresentative of the predominate style of visions I've seen dancing in my head when I used to think "Marianne's Wedding"--my wedding has been carefully considered and constructed to mean something special to me and W.  So, maybe red isn't my favorite color, but it's a nod to the heritages of both me and my wonderful groom, and that's so much more important to me than whimsically draping blue and green ribbons over all the chairs.

...though, you know, "whimsical" is truly one of those words that I really hope gets applied to my wedding when all is said and done--otherwise I might end up feeling like I wasn't part of it at all.  I like that word: whimsy.  Fun to say.  And so perfectly descriptive of me. 

First: how fascinating is this article?  I mean, it makes perfect sense to me that those of us who smile and laugh more are going to have more sucessful marriages.  And not just any old smile for a picture, it has to be a high wattage smile.  It can't just be a posed smile; it has to be sincere...

Second: I love this wedding.  Don't misunderstand, it's not that I want it for myself (it's a little too, I don't know... awkward?  Middle school?  Adorable and fun but not me? ...er, okay, costuming is a little bit me, but not that much...).  But I adore the creativity and love that went into it.  This is acceptance and sincerity.  Everyone involved was so earnest.  How can that not be beautiful? 

If you've clicked on the link already, then you're probably thinking I'm crazy by now or totally socially inept if I love an uber-geeky cosplay wedding, partially performed in Klingon no less.  You're probably right, but let me take a moment to try to make you see what I'm seeing.  Take a moment to look past the dorkiness required to pull off something like this and look to the meaning behind the decisions this couple made.  Because the truth is that I'm not particularly enamored of their costumes--they don't make me gasp then whimper something unintelligible about how badly I want that dress, etc---but I am enamored of the fact that they wore what they like/enjoy.  They did what makes them feel special.  And when you're putting on an event that's about how special and sacred your love is, shouldn't you be doing what makes you feel special instead of what makes you feel ugly and like you'll never measure up, makes you feel fake?  I'm not saying that traditional wedding clothes do this, but let's be real: not everybody looks good wearing the same thing.  Anyway, the clothes aren't the point here, the point is that it wasn't the clothes, etc, that made their ceremony sacred, it was the sincerity with which they carried through the vows and traditions.  It's not the tradition or lack-there-of that makes a wedding beautiful (btw, I give mad props to the bride for having her dad walk her down the aisle and telling the feminists to go stuff themselves, because that's what I want too!), it's the sincerety with which the participants believe in the meaning behind what they do.  It's the integrity with which they carry out their part.  And if you have to wear cosplay to have that kind of integrity, then do it.  But if you relate to the tuxedo and the church instead of the pirate ship, then for pity's sake: do that instead!  Do what makes you feel most sincere--even if that means you don't match the color scheme or theme.  Why do you need theme?  "Wedding", "we're in love"; that's a theme.  Anyway...

One last thing about this wedding: if you look at the flikr stream with all the photos, there's one of the groom posed in his samurai getup that the bride captioned with the assertion that he just plain looked hot.  I think that caption more than anything else about that wedding makes me realize how beautiful it is.  Only true love looks at you when you've revealed the inmost desire of who you wish to be--an image that the rest of the world thinks looks awkward and geeky and lame and tacky--only true love sees you at your dorkiest, looks past the bad hair, the glasses, the skinny arms and ill-fitting clothes to see the samurai within and proclaims: hot. 

I love my hair in the Spring.  No really, I do.  I can't stop playing with it.  It's because the weather has stopped being cold and dry enough that my hair is no longer freakishly static.  And when it's no longer static it is also marvelously soft.  I keep brushing it just because I can. 

Also, in wedding planning news: my dress arrived and I went and picked it up.  I can hardly believe it is currently in my possession.  I'll probably try it on tonight or tomorrow morning. 

The real question I'm secretly asking everyone every time I talk about a wedding idea is: are you going to hate me if it's not perfect?  Not, "what would make this perfect" or "how can I make this perfect" or even "what does perfect look like to you".  I know it's not going to be perfect, but I'm doing the best I can.  What I need to know is that those people most closely involved aren't going to think I'm a failure if it's not perfect. 

I think I'm not communicating this properly because the response I seem to get most often is along the lines of, "let it go, it's not going to be perfect".  Yes, I know.  But will you love me anyway?  (And, yes, I also happen to logically know that when someone says that it doesn't need to be perfect they're partially saying that they don't need it to be perfect; but somehow all I hear is a chastisement that I'm expecting too much of my perfection and it's their ideas that I should be striving for instead.  I apparently don't have much faith in the selflessness of the average human...)

The truth is, I'm not sure that I even really realized that this was the question I was secretly asking until I got myself onto Offbeat Bride and started reading post after post of advice from brides who have lived through, not just a wedding, but a wedding that "failed" to meet the average expectations on a level that mine is not likely to even begin to touch.  The testimonies of these women seem to speak to my hidden fears.  Some of them are still dealing with the fallout over wedding details that partners or parents or friends disagreed on.  This absolutely terrifies me (it's about on par with my fear that the whole shebang is going to be hijacked from me a la My Big Fat Greek Wedding).  But what encourages me even more is that the majority of brides report that, despite all the resistance during the planning, in the end the family and friends all came together and agreed that it was beautiful and it was just so them.  Reading that over and over has done wonders for my nerves.  The soothing effect it has had is what allowed me to finally realize that I'm really afraid of getting in trouble if I don't do things exactly how I'm expected to.  You can make fun of me and the fact that I'm probably going to make matching fairy wings for my dress at some point all that you want; go ahead, mock my Star Trek commbadge and laugh hysterically at what you would never in a million years want at your own wedding... just, please, don't get mad at me for not being what you thought I should be when my greatest sin was being uncool.  Please, love the fact that I give you something to entertain you with my ridiculousness--enjoy me and my absurdity!  I don't mind; as long as you don't set out to punish me for embarrassing you. 

The one thing I did express properly the other day: I told my mom that all I care about is that she and I and my awesome husband-to-be all feel comfortable and like ourselves, not who we think we're supposed to be (this was the right moment to say this as she was feeling down about not looking like all the models in the Mother of the Bride photos online).  I want to be me at my wedding.  I want W to be W--I'm not marrying his tux/sweater vest/whatever--I'm marrying him.  I want him to look like himself and who God inspires him to be, not who anyone else less divine tells him to dress as.  I mean, we're there for God to unite us as He made us--that's who everyone is coming to see get married, not a couple of cake toppers, right?

It's not that I don't want/like any tradition; it's just that I want the meaning behind the tradtions combined with the uniquely new thing God is creating in this union to be represented more than I want the traditions themselves. 

So.  That is all to say that this morning I decided (in addition to being more direct about asking "will you still love me if it's not exactly how you want it?" so that people have a better chance of giving me the answer I need rather than having to guess) to look up what the Bible says about weddings.  Not marriage, there's plenty of that and we'll be doing the counseling thing, etc.  No, I'm going to be looking for weddings; not completely decided what I'll do with this information yet, but I'll keep you posted. 

Wow!  Could this woman be any prettier?  She looks absolutely gorgeous in that dress, etc.  Sheesh, I miss my long hair now...

Seriously, it's stuff like this that makes me almost wish I was goth or something equivalent to make it almost expected for me to have a medieval costumed wedding in Venice.  Venice!!!!  As in Italy!!!  Sigh...

This website makes me feel better about anything and everything that I could possibly plan for my wedding: tackyweddings.com

* I feel that I should qualify that not everything on the Tacky Weddings site strikes me as worthy of the mockery it is apparently getting; I mean, I'm glad these couples have found the way to express their love.  It's just that it makes me realize how good I've got it with the stuff I already have. 

So after weeks of coworkers sniffling and coughing and shuffling through the building with fevers, during which time I successfully staved off the evil virus with mass doses of Airborne  herbal medicine and whatnot, the stupid cold that has persistently tried to get into my system has finally succeeded.  I suspected as much last night when I lay down to go to bed and my lungs instantly filled up with mucus, sending me into a coughing fit.  Never good. 

And now?  This morning?  I can't breathe out my nose.  I'm stuffed up.  Noooooooooo!!!  I just need to hold on until Sunday.  Sunday!!!  Then I can sleep it all off on Monday.  That's my goal, anyway.  Thank goodness for the 9/80 schedule. 

Meanwhile, I found some good wedding idea photos.  I love that bouquet; love it.  (btw, I don't remember where all the photos came from, I found most on links at http://snippetandink.blogspot.com/; when I have a chance, I'll come back and properly credit and link to stuff)

Could someone please explain to me why LA has it set up so that it's cheaper to own a car and drive 60 miles a day than to buy a monthly pass on the public transportation?  I thought the city of film was supposed to be a big advocate of going "green" but here we are promoting pollution by forcing more cars onto the road out of sheer economic necessity. 

Sometimes I hate local government. 

So here it is, my first attempt at trying to find a theme for me and W.  My goal was to work in our Swiss and Chinese heritages (note the double happiness, edelweiss and Swiss flag pretending to be a plus sign).  I like it but have been feeling it's a little too sparse for the whole wedding so I'm working on getting a little more going on in the color department (leaning toward some purple but we'll see how it goes...).  I may still use this for save the date emails though...