The real question I'm secretly asking everyone every time I talk about a wedding idea is: are you going to hate me if it's not perfect?  Not, "what would make this perfect" or "how can I make this perfect" or even "what does perfect look like to you".  I know it's not going to be perfect, but I'm doing the best I can.  What I need to know is that those people most closely involved aren't going to think I'm a failure if it's not perfect. 

I think I'm not communicating this properly because the response I seem to get most often is along the lines of, "let it go, it's not going to be perfect".  Yes, I know.  But will you love me anyway?  (And, yes, I also happen to logically know that when someone says that it doesn't need to be perfect they're partially saying that they don't need it to be perfect; but somehow all I hear is a chastisement that I'm expecting too much of my perfection and it's their ideas that I should be striving for instead.  I apparently don't have much faith in the selflessness of the average human...)

The truth is, I'm not sure that I even really realized that this was the question I was secretly asking until I got myself onto Offbeat Bride and started reading post after post of advice from brides who have lived through, not just a wedding, but a wedding that "failed" to meet the average expectations on a level that mine is not likely to even begin to touch.  The testimonies of these women seem to speak to my hidden fears.  Some of them are still dealing with the fallout over wedding details that partners or parents or friends disagreed on.  This absolutely terrifies me (it's about on par with my fear that the whole shebang is going to be hijacked from me a la My Big Fat Greek Wedding).  But what encourages me even more is that the majority of brides report that, despite all the resistance during the planning, in the end the family and friends all came together and agreed that it was beautiful and it was just so them.  Reading that over and over has done wonders for my nerves.  The soothing effect it has had is what allowed me to finally realize that I'm really afraid of getting in trouble if I don't do things exactly how I'm expected to.  You can make fun of me and the fact that I'm probably going to make matching fairy wings for my dress at some point all that you want; go ahead, mock my Star Trek commbadge and laugh hysterically at what you would never in a million years want at your own wedding... just, please, don't get mad at me for not being what you thought I should be when my greatest sin was being uncool.  Please, love the fact that I give you something to entertain you with my ridiculousness--enjoy me and my absurdity!  I don't mind; as long as you don't set out to punish me for embarrassing you. 

The one thing I did express properly the other day: I told my mom that all I care about is that she and I and my awesome husband-to-be all feel comfortable and like ourselves, not who we think we're supposed to be (this was the right moment to say this as she was feeling down about not looking like all the models in the Mother of the Bride photos online).  I want to be me at my wedding.  I want W to be W--I'm not marrying his tux/sweater vest/whatever--I'm marrying him.  I want him to look like himself and who God inspires him to be, not who anyone else less divine tells him to dress as.  I mean, we're there for God to unite us as He made us--that's who everyone is coming to see get married, not a couple of cake toppers, right?

It's not that I don't want/like any tradition; it's just that I want the meaning behind the tradtions combined with the uniquely new thing God is creating in this union to be represented more than I want the traditions themselves. 

So.  That is all to say that this morning I decided (in addition to being more direct about asking "will you still love me if it's not exactly how you want it?" so that people have a better chance of giving me the answer I need rather than having to guess) to look up what the Bible says about weddings.  Not marriage, there's plenty of that and we'll be doing the counseling thing, etc.  No, I'm going to be looking for weddings; not completely decided what I'll do with this information yet, but I'll keep you posted.